I'm just going to let the cover speak for itself.
Today, for our first Holiday Season Special post, we are live-blogging the seminal John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John 2012 holiday album "This Christmas" (click the link to listen to samples via Amazon). Come join me as I revel in all the sprayed-on hair, eerily ageless, melismatic glory.
0:00 -- I am ready to do this. I have my hot cocoa. I have my mittens on which are coincidentally making it difficult to drink my hot cocoa. Now that I'm here, now that you're near in Xanadu.
Like, I'm ready to do this. LET'S DO THIS!
0:01 -- The first song is "Baby, It's Cold Outside," which they have spelled without the comma although after a direct address it is grammatically correct to place a comma after the name of whom you're addressing like "Billy COMMA get me the papers." I'll only let this go if Mr. Travolta and Ms. Newton-John can bring some playfulness to "Baby," a song that is clearly about date rape.
0:30 -- Okay, I don't think I'm gonna be able to do this. The album is 45 minutes long. The music sounds like it's coming from the house band on the lido deck of a "Seniors Over 70" cruise from West Palm Beach to Fort Lauderdale, and J. Trav and ONJ are experiencing something of a problem in that they are singing on an album when neither of them can actually sing.
0:38 -- I have a few things to note: First, J. Trav is singing the "mouse" section of the song, which is telling. Second, J. Trav is speak/singing his lines AND HE'S DOING THAT OFF-KEY. Third, ONJ is trying her damnedest, but the thinness of her voice would make Kylie Minogue's voice sound like Jennifer Holliday in comparison. 45 minutes. Dear God.
0:44 -- J. Trav just voiced "really I bet-ter scurry" like he was an English-as-a-Second-Language student. This has to be a joke. He's gonna burst out singing like Pavarotti any minute now, right?
Right?
1:37 -- Even when speaking, J. Trav sounds constipated. You think I'm playing this up to make it funnier than it is? I am not doing that. Trust.
2:16 -- J. Trav is starting to sound drunk, which is an improvement. Also, his phrasing is very strange. Maybe he is an ESL student. Maybe in all his movies, he was speaking English phonetically.
3:38 -- The next song is a two-minute rendition of "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," and the fears that I had about J. Trav not being able to sing at all are unfortunately confirmed. Also, there's a Kenny G-supplied saxophone break... in a two-minute song.
5:44 -- Next, "I'll Be Home for Christmas," one of my favorite songs because it is so melancholy. The intro music is nothing but twinkling chimes and enhanced violins meaning there will be no melancholy. The music also sounds like it's from a Disney movie. Like a direct-to-DVD movie they don't even show on The Disney Channel.
6:01 -- Holy Sh*t! J. Trav can actually sing! Kinda. A little. Well, it's better than the first two songs. I'm chalking up the first two to drunkenness. His voice kind of sounds like a long-lost Gibb brother, although I think ONJ has that effect on people.
7:15 -- Another holy sh*t moment: After a crescendo (because what "I'll Be Home for Christmas" is lacking are crescendos), ONJ decides she's not letting J. Trav show her up. She too unleashes something called "her full voice." She must have gotten it for Christmas. Again, it's not a great voice, but it's better than the first two songs. I'm glad they're actually singing now. I got really worried that I was in for 45 minutes of a croaky J. Trav and breathy ONJ.
7:50 -- A THIRD holy sh*t moment: Babs Streisand is suddenly in the mix being all Babs Streisand meaning that she's not giving anyone an inch. This is why they sound so good. Babs never half-a**es anything. Like right now, she's probably making a sandwich.
And it's the best f*cking sandwich you'd ever have.
9:06 -- Now is "This Christmas" and I am terrified. The original by Donny Hathaway is one of my favorite songs. Don't do this to me, guys. Direct address comma.
9:32 -- It's not making me stabby yet, but the key they picked for J. Trav is WAY too high. He's definitely employing some lost Gibb DNA for this song, although the tone of his voice is pleasant and his timbre is strong. OMG what am I saying?!
10:00 -- BACKUP SINGERS! Thank God! Where have you people been?! I'm starting to feel like Oprah: "You get a backup singer and you get a backup singer! YOU ALL GET BACKUP SINGERS!"
10:40 -- If you're just reading this and not listening (probably wise), let me give you some idea of what J. Trav's voice sounds like now: It's a little like bad Tony Bennett now and what Barry Manilow will sound like in 20 years. ONJ sounds basically the same (which only makes me want her to sing Xanadu all the more).
11:40 -- Thank goodness for long music breaks! (The music sounds like Muzak they used to play in Macy's elevators in the 80s btdubs, so it's kinda nostalgic).
13:32 -- Next is "Silent Night," which of all the Christmas carols, it's virtually fool-proof. Like you'd have to go out of your way to mess it up. And they start it... more Celtic-y than Celtic Woman.
Not hating.
13:45 -- I have yet to hear J. Trav, only ONJ, which is like the smartest choice ever.
15:40 -- No wait, J. Trav is here... and he sounds like John Denver. The man is a vocal chameleon. I cannot believe I'm praising J. Trav this much. What happened to Croaky McCroakerson?
16:30 -- A children's choir has shown up and showed up everyone in the room.
21:20 -- I'm just gonna come out and say this: J. Trav has turned my frown completely upside down. He just did "The Christmas Waltz" and it was lovely. It was like you were at Christmas dinner and your old uncle got up to sing and inside you were all "Oh Dear Lord, don't make me have to sit here and listen to this old man pretend like he can sing" and then he started singing and it was perfectly good. When he was done, you'd clap not only for his bravery to stand in front of a room and sing, but also for him changing your mind about being so cynical about your family during the holidays and isn't that what Christmas is all about?
Side note: ONJ has left the building, probably to sing Xanadu and not let me hear it.
22:21 -- ONJ and J. Trav are now back together (Remember it was only 20 minutes ago when they butchered "Baby, It's Cold Outside"! Memories!) doing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," another fool-proof song. J. Trav just sang the "make the yuletide gay" line to the sound of a million people shouting at him "We know, John, WE KNOW!"
23:50 -- I spaced out and someone who can actually sing came on and scared the sh*t out of me. Who is this? WIKIPEDIA! It's Cliff Richard of Cliff Richard fame! (Clearly, this reference is a touch outside my wheelhouse. Cliff Richard fans, feel free to chide me. Direct address comma.)
27:01 -- Tony Bennett and the Count Basie Orchestra are guesting now on "Winter Wonderland." They are bringing something called MUSICALITY to the proceedings. It is very welcome. J. Trav is trying to keep up, but still sounds the same age as Tony Bennett is now. J. Trav is almost 60 and T. Ben is almost 90. Let that sink in.
28:11 -- I'm starting to feel like if this album were a stage show in Vegas, I'd see the f*ck out of it. I'd bring friends. I'd overdress. I'd dance inappropriately. As an album, I feel less enthusiastic.
31:30 -- Following T. Ben, everything seems a little jazzier and more enjoyable. JT (even writing J. Trav is getting tiring) and ONJ do a serviceable "White Christmas."
31:41 -- Next is a song (forgive me) that I've not heard of called "I Think You Might Like It." It's got a rock sensibility that matches the "Grease" soundtrack well. A part of me is happy this album wasn't so crash and burn. A part of me was hoping it would be, for the comedy if for anything, but JT and ONJ seem like they're enjoying not singing and being flirty and getting out of Babs Streisand's way. Good for them.
41:02 -- I'm skipping ahead some because there isn't much to say. They just did "The Christmas Song" (it was goofy like them) and "Deck the Halls" with James Taylor (the music was good, yes that was a backhanded compliment). Let's get to a medley of "Auld Lang Syne" and "Christmas Time Is Here." Strangely, this is the only medley on the album. JT and ONJ seem like medley kind of people. Their record label probably nixed the "Santa Baby, You're The One That I Want for My Grown-Up Christmas List, Last Christmas" medley they planned.
41:12 -- Oh snap! This isn't a medley at all. It's actually a mash-up, which is what all the kids are doing nowadays. Look at them! "Auld" and "Christmas Time Is Here" don't naturally lend themselves to a mash-up and... yeah, it's not working, but JT and ONJ are selling it, in voices much stronger than in the beginning.
45:00 -- It's over! Wow. That was not nearly as bad as it could have been and it was about 80% as good as it could have been given the fact that J. Trav (I miss it) and ONJ are who they are.
Question Time: Would you listen to J. Trav and ONJ's "This Christmas" for any reason other than losing a bet? What is your favorite carol of the ones they did? Or in general, what holiday songs are your faves?
Today, for our first Holiday Season Special post, we are live-blogging the seminal John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John 2012 holiday album "This Christmas" (click the link to listen to samples via Amazon). Come join me as I revel in all the sprayed-on hair, eerily ageless, melismatic glory.
0:00 -- I am ready to do this. I have my hot cocoa. I have my mittens on which are coincidentally making it difficult to drink my hot cocoa. Now that I'm here, now that you're near in Xanadu.
Like, I'm ready to do this. LET'S DO THIS!
0:01 -- The first song is "Baby, It's Cold Outside," which they have spelled without the comma although after a direct address it is grammatically correct to place a comma after the name of whom you're addressing like "Billy COMMA get me the papers." I'll only let this go if Mr. Travolta and Ms. Newton-John can bring some playfulness to "Baby," a song that is clearly about date rape.
0:30 -- Okay, I don't think I'm gonna be able to do this. The album is 45 minutes long. The music sounds like it's coming from the house band on the lido deck of a "Seniors Over 70" cruise from West Palm Beach to Fort Lauderdale, and J. Trav and ONJ are experiencing something of a problem in that they are singing on an album when neither of them can actually sing.
0:38 -- I have a few things to note: First, J. Trav is singing the "mouse" section of the song, which is telling. Second, J. Trav is speak/singing his lines AND HE'S DOING THAT OFF-KEY. Third, ONJ is trying her damnedest, but the thinness of her voice would make Kylie Minogue's voice sound like Jennifer Holliday in comparison. 45 minutes. Dear God.
0:44 -- J. Trav just voiced "really I bet-ter scurry" like he was an English-as-a-Second-Language student. This has to be a joke. He's gonna burst out singing like Pavarotti any minute now, right?
Right?
1:37 -- Even when speaking, J. Trav sounds constipated. You think I'm playing this up to make it funnier than it is? I am not doing that. Trust.
2:16 -- J. Trav is starting to sound drunk, which is an improvement. Also, his phrasing is very strange. Maybe he is an ESL student. Maybe in all his movies, he was speaking English phonetically.
3:38 -- The next song is a two-minute rendition of "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," and the fears that I had about J. Trav not being able to sing at all are unfortunately confirmed. Also, there's a Kenny G-supplied saxophone break... in a two-minute song.
5:44 -- Next, "I'll Be Home for Christmas," one of my favorite songs because it is so melancholy. The intro music is nothing but twinkling chimes and enhanced violins meaning there will be no melancholy. The music also sounds like it's from a Disney movie. Like a direct-to-DVD movie they don't even show on The Disney Channel.
6:01 -- Holy Sh*t! J. Trav can actually sing! Kinda. A little. Well, it's better than the first two songs. I'm chalking up the first two to drunkenness. His voice kind of sounds like a long-lost Gibb brother, although I think ONJ has that effect on people.
7:15 -- Another holy sh*t moment: After a crescendo (because what "I'll Be Home for Christmas" is lacking are crescendos), ONJ decides she's not letting J. Trav show her up. She too unleashes something called "her full voice." She must have gotten it for Christmas. Again, it's not a great voice, but it's better than the first two songs. I'm glad they're actually singing now. I got really worried that I was in for 45 minutes of a croaky J. Trav and breathy ONJ.
7:50 -- A THIRD holy sh*t moment: Babs Streisand is suddenly in the mix being all Babs Streisand meaning that she's not giving anyone an inch. This is why they sound so good. Babs never half-a**es anything. Like right now, she's probably making a sandwich.
And it's the best f*cking sandwich you'd ever have.
9:06 -- Now is "This Christmas" and I am terrified. The original by Donny Hathaway is one of my favorite songs. Don't do this to me, guys. Direct address comma.
9:32 -- It's not making me stabby yet, but the key they picked for J. Trav is WAY too high. He's definitely employing some lost Gibb DNA for this song, although the tone of his voice is pleasant and his timbre is strong. OMG what am I saying?!
10:00 -- BACKUP SINGERS! Thank God! Where have you people been?! I'm starting to feel like Oprah: "You get a backup singer and you get a backup singer! YOU ALL GET BACKUP SINGERS!"
10:40 -- If you're just reading this and not listening (probably wise), let me give you some idea of what J. Trav's voice sounds like now: It's a little like bad Tony Bennett now and what Barry Manilow will sound like in 20 years. ONJ sounds basically the same (which only makes me want her to sing Xanadu all the more).
11:40 -- Thank goodness for long music breaks! (The music sounds like Muzak they used to play in Macy's elevators in the 80s btdubs, so it's kinda nostalgic).
13:32 -- Next is "Silent Night," which of all the Christmas carols, it's virtually fool-proof. Like you'd have to go out of your way to mess it up. And they start it... more Celtic-y than Celtic Woman.
Not hating.
13:45 -- I have yet to hear J. Trav, only ONJ, which is like the smartest choice ever.
15:40 -- No wait, J. Trav is here... and he sounds like John Denver. The man is a vocal chameleon. I cannot believe I'm praising J. Trav this much. What happened to Croaky McCroakerson?
16:30 -- A children's choir has shown up and showed up everyone in the room.
21:20 -- I'm just gonna come out and say this: J. Trav has turned my frown completely upside down. He just did "The Christmas Waltz" and it was lovely. It was like you were at Christmas dinner and your old uncle got up to sing and inside you were all "Oh Dear Lord, don't make me have to sit here and listen to this old man pretend like he can sing" and then he started singing and it was perfectly good. When he was done, you'd clap not only for his bravery to stand in front of a room and sing, but also for him changing your mind about being so cynical about your family during the holidays and isn't that what Christmas is all about?
Side note: ONJ has left the building, probably to sing Xanadu and not let me hear it.
22:21 -- ONJ and J. Trav are now back together (Remember it was only 20 minutes ago when they butchered "Baby, It's Cold Outside"! Memories!) doing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," another fool-proof song. J. Trav just sang the "make the yuletide gay" line to the sound of a million people shouting at him "We know, John, WE KNOW!"
23:50 -- I spaced out and someone who can actually sing came on and scared the sh*t out of me. Who is this? WIKIPEDIA! It's Cliff Richard of Cliff Richard fame! (Clearly, this reference is a touch outside my wheelhouse. Cliff Richard fans, feel free to chide me. Direct address comma.)
27:01 -- Tony Bennett and the Count Basie Orchestra are guesting now on "Winter Wonderland." They are bringing something called MUSICALITY to the proceedings. It is very welcome. J. Trav is trying to keep up, but still sounds the same age as Tony Bennett is now. J. Trav is almost 60 and T. Ben is almost 90. Let that sink in.
28:11 -- I'm starting to feel like if this album were a stage show in Vegas, I'd see the f*ck out of it. I'd bring friends. I'd overdress. I'd dance inappropriately. As an album, I feel less enthusiastic.
31:30 -- Following T. Ben, everything seems a little jazzier and more enjoyable. JT (even writing J. Trav is getting tiring) and ONJ do a serviceable "White Christmas."
31:41 -- Next is a song (forgive me) that I've not heard of called "I Think You Might Like It." It's got a rock sensibility that matches the "Grease" soundtrack well. A part of me is happy this album wasn't so crash and burn. A part of me was hoping it would be, for the comedy if for anything, but JT and ONJ seem like they're enjoying not singing and being flirty and getting out of Babs Streisand's way. Good for them.
41:02 -- I'm skipping ahead some because there isn't much to say. They just did "The Christmas Song" (it was goofy like them) and "Deck the Halls" with James Taylor (the music was good, yes that was a backhanded compliment). Let's get to a medley of "Auld Lang Syne" and "Christmas Time Is Here." Strangely, this is the only medley on the album. JT and ONJ seem like medley kind of people. Their record label probably nixed the "Santa Baby, You're The One That I Want for My Grown-Up Christmas List, Last Christmas" medley they planned.
41:12 -- Oh snap! This isn't a medley at all. It's actually a mash-up, which is what all the kids are doing nowadays. Look at them! "Auld" and "Christmas Time Is Here" don't naturally lend themselves to a mash-up and... yeah, it's not working, but JT and ONJ are selling it, in voices much stronger than in the beginning.
45:00 -- It's over! Wow. That was not nearly as bad as it could have been and it was about 80% as good as it could have been given the fact that J. Trav (I miss it) and ONJ are who they are.
Question Time: Would you listen to J. Trav and ONJ's "This Christmas" for any reason other than losing a bet? What is your favorite carol of the ones they did? Or in general, what holiday songs are your faves?
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